Ah 2011. You are almost over. I'm hung over from a night of fancy cocktails (followed by a visit to a not so fancy gay bar/club), so excuse my lack of eloquence and limited vocabulary. I'm listening to Pearl Jam, which introduces some nostalgic qualities into my mindset that I can hopefully take advantage of in this post.

With another year about to wrap up, it's a good time to reflect on what was a pretty tumultuous 12 months.

My Aunt Lois passed away this year suddenly. She was only 60 years old. At 32, this is the first relative who has passed away after I've become an "adult". I saw her only 2 months before she passed away, at Rosh Hashanah dinner. She was a lesbian and the only other gay member of my immediate family. She experienced significant difficulty throughout her life, and she really seemed to admire how openly I was living my life as a gay man. We related on the level of having to face the discrimination that all gay people must face, but she grew up in a time when it was far less accepted. She had a relationship with a woman for several years that I never knew about, and toward the end of her life - seemed to be at peace. She was kind and genuine. I am lucky to have had her in my life, and would be equally lucky to have had some of that same kindness and humility rub off on me.

With Aunt Lois' death, I was really made to appreciate how much my family means to me. Above all else, they are there for me always. I don't know what I would do without even 1 of them. They are so dear to me, and if anything - it has made me refocus on the fact that I really do want a family of my own. Life is too short to be spent alone, and loving and being loved is what life is all about.

Alex is still a smelly, sweet dog. He's currently in the laundry room. "Alex - OUT!" I probably say that at least 3-4 times per day. And "Alex - NO. BAD BOY". But I also say "Is there a baby here?" and "What a good boy!" hopefully equally as often.

Work-wise - I think it's fair to say this last year was the most difficult of my career thus far. I had to lay off a large # of people, abandon a lease, take over the accounting duties myself for the entire company, shut down another business unit and then take my entire life savings (outside of my home equity though I did contemplate selling my apartment) and put them into the business. Multiple times I contemplated shutting down the company. We were bleeding money and I was miserable. But I think it's safe to say that the tide has turned for us over the past 6 months. We are profitable again, focusing on growing existing business units and starting up more related ventures and I'm no longer handling the bookkeeping. God bless outsourcing. I am optimistic again and in many areas of the business - excited again. I am also recognizing that my area of expertise is starting a business, not running it. Testing and launching new products and services, and refining them after they launch. I really need to rededicate myself this year to growing the top line of the business, and working toward an exit.

I really want to be free of the business at this point. I don't know specifically what I want to do if I were to sell the business (which will require extraordinary effort over the past year), but I'm ready to try something new. The business is still very intellectually challenging, but I need a break. I've done this for almost 11 years now, and my dream about being involved in gay civil rights causes has not waned. I continue to think about running for elected office, but at the same time - I don't know if I'm cut out for that sort of life. I have miles to go before I consider that.

On the relationship front, I am seeing someone right now. He's younger than me and very sweet and attractive, but thus far- no real butterflies when I see him. But regardless, he's good company and it's nice after a long time of not having much companionship, to have someone who is there in a very tangible, real way. I pursued someone this year that was less than straight-forward in communicating his interest level, and it's actually interesting that someone who is 7 years younger is more mature and level-headed in approaching a possible relationship than what I considered to be a more appropriate individual. My friend Jason brought up a good point - the reason why a potential relationship is not working out matters less than the fact that it is simply not progressing. I can't help but continue to be a romantic though when it comes to matters of the heart. I want nothing less to be head over heels in love with whoever I marry. I want to be married once, for my entire life with the one person that makes me whole, understands me, whom I understand and that will lay the groundwork for a stable, loving family like I was fortunate enough to have had in my childhood. My parents set a high bar - one that I seek to emulate.

I am extremely lucky to have such amazing friends, and have met many new ones over the past year. I really have very few complaints on the social landscape.

New Year's Resolutions - hmm. Of course I could say a six pack, but I don't see that really as an appropriate resolution. I feel that any resolution should align with your true interests and desires. To be honest, I could care less if I had a six pack. But even as I write this, I realize the need to become more well read and eloquent in my use of language. For any pursuit, it's vital. So 4 resolutions:

1) Finish 1 book per month.
2) Take excellent care of my health.
3) Focus on a business exit.
4) Form deeper relationships with friends - old and new.

That's it! Goodbye 2011. Hello to a welcome, fresh beginning.

Another year has gone by, and while I am probably a bit too tired to post something too long - I felt a quick reflection on the past 13 months was in order.

My father has cancer. Luckily it's a curable form of prostate cancer. But scary nonetheless. My father is my inspiration. We're not the same person, but he is everything I have ever wanted to be. A hard worker. Smart. A good father. A good person. He is irreplaceable in my life, and I hope that he is here with me for many years to come.

This has been the most difficult work year of my life. Simply put, my business almost failed and it is still teetering on the edge at times. Knock on wood but it does seem that we're almost out of the woods. Hopefully in another month or two. However, I don't think I can continue this lifestyle for much longer. My hope is that the business is profitable enough over the next 6-12 months where I can sell it. I'm just not happy running the business like I once was, but I do have hope that by building the business back up again - I can achieve the same level of happiness I once had for my work.

Fuck this. This blog shouldn't be somewhere I come to take a shit. Truth is my life isn't what I want right now because I'm a self-absorbed prick who acts like a filthy dog fucker. If I want to be happy, I have to make some serious changes. Now.

Here we go.

As I was playing with something for work, I realized that I haven't updated (or even looked at my blog) in years. Reading through some of my older posts (all the way back to 2003) - it's amazing to look back at what I was thinking 7 years ago. And luckily - how much I've learned in those 7 years.

I'm now 31 years old. I first started this blog when I was 24. There are some things that haven't changed. I'm still single. I still work hard in a less than honorable profession. I still have friends who annoy me.

But one thing has changed.

I'm proud to be gay.

I may not be 100% comfortable with it in public. As a matter of fact - I know I'm not. I may never be. For whatever reason, I may always care what others think in this regard. I don't know where that comes from or why I can't ditch that feeling, but it's part of me and I'm learning to accept it.

But things have changed. I have more friends now. Friends who I love. And my gay friends are my best friends. I haven't come out at work, but I donated office space to a gay organization (so I may as well have come out :).

There are aspects of my life that I'll always want to change. But in the interest of not being a debby downer, I'm learning to move past them.

I may never sell my company and be a gazillionaire.

I may never find the "perfect" guy.

I may never be 100% comfortable with being gay.

But I'm happy I'm gay. I'm happy with my work (most of the time). I love my friends, I love my family (I'm an uncle 2x over now!) and I love life.

I'm more confident than ever that who I am is exactly who I'm meant to be. And for a guy who believes God is a superstition, that's decent step forward.

Well - I haven't updated this blog in a LONG time. Years actually. But I figured tonight was as good a time as any given the day's events.

Tonight, my father had surgery to repair his heart valves. I've never been particularly talented with biology, so I forget whether or not it was his aortic valves, mitral valve (just had to Google the name of that), or both. But it was a serious surgery that involved the repair of one valve, and replacement of the other with a biological (bovine) valve.

Now that we're done with the Science Channel explanation, let me tell you about my day.

I woke up at about 9 (ok 9:30), showered and ran out the door to the L train. Went crosstown, then grabbed the A train to Columbia Presbyterian. As I arrived at his room, it was already empty. He had been brought down 2 hours early for the surgery, so I rushed down to the level where he was being operated on and luckily - I hadn't missed him yet. He was being prepped, and my sister, her husband and my Mother were all around him. He looked nervous, but maintained a calm bedside manner.

As the anesthesiologist went down everything that could wrong (a terrible thing to do 5 minutes before the surgery), my father looked on worried. I told him he had nothing to worry about, told him I loved him and kissed him goodbye as they did the final prep. He had one of the best heart surgeons in the country (same guy who worked on President Clinton in 2004), so I didn't feel disingenuous when I said he'd be fine. However, as I tried to appear calm, I was worried. This was certainly risky surgery, and my father was 65. I'm not a religious person, but I was as close to praying as I've ever been in my life.

Luckily, everything turned out fine. About 4 and a half hours after he had gone in, the doctor let us know that it was a routine operation. We got to visit him 2 hours later in the ICU. He looked better than we were expecting. His face was flush, and though there was a breathing tube coming out of his mouth and a tube still going into a vein in his neck, the nurse assured us he was doing well. My mom blew a kiss to him as he lay unconscious as her eyes teared up. I held back my tears if only to assure my mother that he would be just fine. Sometimes you have to hold back your fears to help those most afraid, and I hope that my Bush-like single-mindedness help out my mother today. She was certainly scared, and I did everything I could do - with my father as my role model - to act as I imagined he did when I was in the hospital and he was there to comfort her.

I did have someone there who helped me a bit today. I met David a couple weeks ago at a bar of all places. He's an anesthesiologist at the hospital, and actually works in the ICU where my father was taken after the surgery. He took the time to check on my father, let me know he was doing well, and made my mother's night when he told us that the breathing tube was taken out after we had left (which is a great sign of progress). We've only been on one date, where I was nervous and paranoid. Even after all these years, I'm still handling being able to deal with showing affection to a guy without being trashed and in a gay bar. But I have a feeling with David that he's really someone special. No one's been this nice and caring to me in a long time. It feels good, and hoping this turns into something because - like he said - I'm not single by choice, and it's about time I grew up and dated a good guy like he sees to be.

And that's all for now! Time to go see why my dog is whining like a little bitch.

Well it's Friday night and I'm about to go out for a fun-filled evening with my friend P-dog (think that's the nickname I gave him on here). I'm so fucking out of it for some reason. I barely did anything all week at work, and tonight - strangely enough - I feel totally out of whack. Oh well. Time for some vodka.

*Sip*

So I'm going for a slightly different look tonight. Casual beige blazer with an A&F t-shirt underneath. Glasses on for that intellectual, Congressman-like look. The glasses are actually more because the skin underneath my eye is totally f'n chapped and nasty.

Hmm - so I'm going to Miami on Monday and staying at this fabulous new hotel. I'm psyched. I'm going with my friend, whose name I will not repeat here because it's been said here before regretfully, and I'm now starting to get paranoid about what I write here. Hint tho for the non-existent person that has been following my blog - starts with a G. And he's pissed me off in the past, but in the interest of maintaining a Zen-like approach to my life, I've "forgiven" him. FYI - forgiveness is just ignoring people's faults. It has nothing to do with being a selfless, giving or good person. It just has to do with maintaining one's self-interests in order to better socialize and accept the interpersonal psychological balance required to not completely bug out from lack of social contact. Then again, I've had one and a half Vodka Cranberries (light weight lately), and may be just a pseudointellectual, lefty wanna-be right now. Oh well.

So dear reader - have a frosty beverage on me, and enjoy your Friday night.

If I named every blog I ever wrote, this one would be called

What it's like to be hit by a car

I figured if I was ever reading a blog, it'd be interesting to read about what that's like. So in the interest of making my blog more entertaining, here we go.

The date was February 26th, 2004. I don't remember much of the morning, except running out the door of my apartment building on 14th and 3rd, as I was late for a meeting. It was no different from any other day, except today I had to run over to midtown to see a client/partner. So I reach the intersection and wait for the light to change.

As the walk sign blinks, I begin rushing across 14th street, like every other person. Now everything I describe here literally happens over the course of about 3 seconds. However it seemed much longer so bear with me.

I distinctly remember seeing the cars running parallel to me driving north. Now this was a major intersection. I was crossing 4 lanes of traffic through the crosswalk, and then walking parallel to 3 lanes of traffic. So the 3 lanes of traffic are moving in the same direction as me, and for some reason - as I'm walking across the street - I immediately knew something wrong.

The white walk sign was flashing, so I knew had right-of-way. However, I heard a screech...a car zipping right toward me; through the red light; through 3 lanes of traffic; and through a crosswalk with at least 10 people in it.

The moment I saw the car coming right at me was frozen in my head, and will be there until the day I die. As he speed into oncoming traffic, he made it through the first 2 lanes. Whether by chance (i.e. there were no cars there at the time) or whether or not the drivers in those 2 lanes slammed on the brakes in time - I don't remember. But what I do remember was hearing a horn blaring, and a loud smash like a hammer hitting a peace of steel as he slammed into the car in the third lane.

The car he hit - in less than a second - then came veering into the crosswalk, slamming into me in my left leg and hip and a young lady. She broke her leg. My situation was worse.

When he hit my leg, the femur smashed through my pelvis into my abdomen. Basically the femur was dislocated and was like a rocket into my pelvis. I remember crumpling to the ground on my knees with blood dripping out of my mouth. I had bitten right through my lip when the car had hit me. I don't know if I slammed right into the ground, but there was blood all over my face. Later on, I'd see that I chipped my front tooth as well, so it's likely that's what happened.

2 things happened then. The first was a woman - a recovering methadone addict from a nearby clinic - rushed over to help me. I don't remember what I said to her. However, I do know that another individual from the clinic also came over to me. Imagine seeing a young 24 year old kid lying on the ground in the middle of a busy intersection after being hit by a car. Now imagine someone robbing him while he's lying there bleeding. Well - that's what happened to me.

Not knowing this at the time (and not really caring) - I just laid there with extreme pain. I knew I couldn't get up. I remember the ambulance coming and being placed on a gurney. I remember having a brace placed around my neck while I was screaming that my neck was fine. And I remember a cop asking me questions in the ambulance, while I was just thinking "Get me a fucken hospital!"

The ambulance sped to St. Vincent's, where I remember being rushed into the ER. I also remember a REALLY hot ER doctor in there! Short, but hot nonetheless.

"Do you have someone you want to call?" I think he asked me.

"My parents" I muttered back. Somehow I gave him my father's business number. I don't remember anything else in the ER.

I have so much trouble remembering much between then and the operation. See, I was hit on a Thursday. Apparently surgery had to wait until Monday. So I rotted in the hospital for 3 fucking days waiting to be operated upon.

I'm sick of writing about this tonight. I'm gonna go watch TV.

Typical Sunday morning sipping my coffee. I've actually begun to prefer Folger's over the good stuff. It may be bland, but at least it doesn't feel like it's tearing out my insides like that Starbucks garbage.

So I saw The Descent last night. What a piece of garbage movie. And this is supposed to be one of the better horror films. I thought it was decent in terms of its entertainment value.

Well - while I was in the middle of writing that last sentence my friend called and told me something I didn't know about the ending of the movie. Apparently there was a twist that I didn't catch. Oh well - so it was better than I thought it was. :(

My stupid dog is chewing on an extension cord. I swear to g-d this beast is going to be the end of me. He is so fucken annoying some times. What stupid beast does something when you yell at the top of your lungs "ALEX NO! NO ALEX! ALEX NO!". Now he's chewing on my wall. When will this end? Good lord these beasts can be major pains in the asses.

Don't worry. I won't put him down. Yet. (joke! Or is it).

He's a Shiba Inu. They're extremely independent dogs, but at the same time real assholes. And anyone who says a dog can't be an asshole - well, go get a Shiba Inu. They can be real assholes. I would say 65-70% of the time he's a great beast. The other 30% of the time I 'd slam him if I wasn't such a left-leaning liberal.

Good lord I sound angry. Which brings me back to the recurring theme in my life - I need to get laid.

Anyways - I'm going to try to do more than just lay around my apartment the entire day today like I did yesterday. I went out late Friday night, stayed out til 3 am with my friend (I shall name him P-Dog for the sake of anonymity here) and then got McDonald's. I was just in time for breakfast! The Egg McMuffin is one of the most extraordinary inventions of the fast food industry. I would have one every morning if it didn't involve going to McDonald's and dealing with primate-like behavior from the patrons and the staff.

Sorry if you found that above comment to be racist. It wasn't. The white people in Mickey D's are rather ape-like as well.

So today - I shall pick up 2 picture frames for my family photos (trying to make my apartment more homey), and I will attempt to gain the wherewithall (is that one word) to go shopping for a rug. For some reason it always seems like such a pain in the ass to go to these places and deal with the mad Sunday rush of shoppers. Makes me wish I had a large net to place them all into, and then dump onto the street while I chose my rug. Kind of like a fish net (not for hair, but for catching fish).

Has this blog freaked you out yet? I'll try again later maybe.

I need a sign-off to use in the future. How about this one?

Fuck yo' mamma!

Nah. Too hostile. How about

Biatttccchhhh.

No. I'm white and Jewish, and not cool enough to pretend I'm not.

For now my sign-off shall simply be...

Oh. :(

Woo hoo! Added a site meter so I can see that there's like 2 people reading my blog. I'm so tech savvy.