I wanna sex you up! Oooooo oh yea oh yea...

Sorry. 80s/90s songs in my head.

So I' m going to try to start updating my blog at least once per day. This goal will likely not be achieved, but after reading through my blog and seeing how valuable it is to see my life over the past three years (albeit through only a very few entries) - I think that life is too short not to be able to review and reflect, and consequently learn about your behavior.

Do I sound like I need to get laid or what?

Speaking of, one of my employees tried to hook me up with this girl the other day. Let's just call her Jewish Comedian chick. Problem is - me is a homosexual. Me like penith. Me like bum bum.

Not sure why I refuse to come out at work. Could be a fear of rejection. Could just be that I find it inappropriate fodder for employees. Seems like very often, I have absolutely no desire to get close to anyone. Especially those who work for me. After having to fire someone whose wedding I attended, I am fairly confident that in the future I will have another unpleasant situation arise with an employee. He/she will leave the company and I'll get pissed. Or he/she (ugh we need a new pronoun to be PC) will do something stupid, and I'll have to fire them.

But getting offtrack here. Why is it that I won't come out at work?

I suppose it's just a fear of not fitting in. Not being what's expected of me. What I expect of myself. I guess it all boils down to this.

I don't want to be gay.

I wish that wasn't the case but it is. I am living as complete as a life as I can at this point while being gay, but sometimes - for me at least - it's just so fucking hard. I was socially anxious to begin with. Throw gay on top of that, and jesus christ - what a mess I feel like I'm in sometimes.

But am I doing what I can to advance myself as a gay man? As being apart of a class of the citizenry that is ridiculed and discriminated against; as apart of a class that is legislated against and persecuted; as apart of a group of people that are widely pre-judged to be effeminate and single-minded toward sex, drugs and fashion....

I may not want to be gay, but I am gay. I need to accept that, and I need to be extraordinarily open and brave to serve as an example that it's okay to be an everyday gay.

So what's an everyday gay? One you wouldn't notice. One you can't categorize. One that doesn't fit your preconceived notion of what gay is. We're athletes. We're doctors. We're lawyers. We're politicians. We're janitors. We're spam-sending entrepreneurs. We are what you think we're not. Or at least what you thought we weren't.

But I think I have to convince you less than I have to convince myself. In a historical sense, how will those in the future judge the actions of those like me in the present? Will they simply sympathize with us? Or will nothing have changed? "Why didn't they rise up and aggressively secure their rights?" they may question. Or perhaps they'll simply state "Those that discriminated against them were a product of their time."

All we have is the present. All we can control is the now. I'd like to be able to better control who I am and what I want and need to be. I need to be able to create a long-standing good in society that changes those perceptions of human frailty and understanding. Not only because I'm gay. But because like all of us, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what may happen tomorrow and what may happen today because I was quiet. What has already happened because of my refusal to be what I've dreamt in my wildest moments can be our future.

Fear is a pile of shit that you have to see and smell before you can really figure out that it's shit in the first place. Now walk on and be brave, because the flowers are blooming all around you. It just takes strength to want to see them and love yourself again.