Well- double dose of the homo tonight (cuz I'm ridiculously bored and have nothing else to do).

So let's talk about gay men.

Listening queens?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH GAY MEN?

How can they be a woman's best friend and other gay men's worst nightmare?

I do not understand gay men. And maybe it's because I am going after the worst of the liter but they totally fucken confuse me.

See, I consider myself a masculine guy. I like other masculine gay guys. I have nothing against more effeminate men- I just don't want to date them. However, it seems that every guy I go after has got some serious issues. Let's take for example my recent foray into online dating (and let me exemplify why I hate online dating).

I met this VERY hot and VERY cool guy on Gay.com. Let's name him....Penis. So Penis was nice, sweet and seemingly romantic. He looked like he had a great body, a heart-warming smile and an ass that wouldn't quit. So we spoke and spoke and spoke (against my better instincts) for over 2 weeks, exclusively online. From my past experiences with online dating, I knew it was a bad idea to draw these things out without getting a phone convo in there quickly. However, Penis was hot, seemingly nice and everytime I brought up a phone convo, it did seem like he had a reasonable excuse to evade it.

"I'm sick."

"I'm sick."

"I'm sick."

Ok- maybe not so reasonable. But I've been so abstinent from the dating scene that I was willing to accept the procastination. Being a socially anxious schmuck myself, I'm willing to accept the fact that some people need more time to get comfortable with transitioning the online gig to reality. However, I strongly recommend that you push that along as quickly as possible, or dump 'em. Why so cold and brash?

My dream boy disappeared in mid-conversation during the weekend. Now, I'm a realist. I realize that sometimes people have had enough of other people, online and off, and don't always end it cordially. However, we were in the middle of a conversation saying how much "we" adore each other. If there was ever chemistry ablaze online, it was between us two. So pretending that he just didn't think that my personality sucks after 2 weeks of constant chit chat (maybe he did, but let's give me a break for conversation's sake), I think the real problem is that he was closeted. Extremely closeted. Dread-filled and self-hating, this putz must've had his mummy walk into the room or something along those lines and shut the shit down.

I have become a bitter, jaded person. Whether it be New York or my inability to always cope with the constant drama of gay life, I'm not who I want to be. I'm stressed out, tired and in need of some TLC. I haven't found a single person willing to give it to me.

Am I overreacting? Probably. But I need someone to hold me- I need someone to love. I'm only 24 but I know what I want. I want love, I want someone to care for and care for me and I need it now.

This city may be the mecca for gay men, but it's also a mecca for casual sex, body worship and lack of intimacy. It's a city filled with materialism and superficiality. It festers bitterness, and I'm just trying not to lose hope here.

Have I been out there enough? No, I haven't. Maybe it's just the fear of solitude that upsets me, but I don't want to be alone. I think sometimes, I'm just afraid to be.